Adult adoptees often feel pressured to choose a side — happy or sad. Was their adoption journey a joyful or disheartening one? A stipulation forced upon them, adoptees are made to feel that their emotions cannot vary. Rather, they must be black or white.
But everyone deserves an in-between! We all need that gray area for mixed emotions. Adoptees, especially, should know that it’s okay to have simultaneous feelings. Being happy and hurt or thankful and angry or loved and lonely isn’t uncommon. So why are we as a society forcing adoptees to pick one emotion and stick to it?
Adoption Choices of Colorado wants to wave goodbye to this misconception! Understanding an adult adoptee’s emotions will allow them to speak freely and feel without fear.
Happy yet Sad Adult Adoptees
As unsettling as it is, happiness isn’t often achieved without pain. This theory can be applied to adoption on several levels. While media outlets aren’t as forthcoming about the positives of adoption, most adoptees are happy to be adopted and to have their adoptive parents in their lives. They’re glad to have grown up in a safe and loving home, one they might have been without had they not been adopted.
Despite their happiness, though, adult adoptees still feel hurt. Hurt that their birth parents did not or could not raise them. Hurt that their sense of self was harder to obtain. Hurt that they, to this day, feel different or outcast. Both happiness and sadness can be felt together. Asking an adoptee if he or she is “happy” with his or her adoption journey is a double-edged sword, for adoption is not possible without loss. And with loss comes sadness.
Thankful yet Angry Adult Adoptees
It’s insensitive to ask; but, yes, most adoptees are thankful that they were adopted. The fact that someone was willing to step in and care for them, love them, and raise them as their own fills adoptees with boundless gratitude. A gratitude that they were placed in safe and loving homes. While this loving act isn’t taken for granted, many adult adoptees still harbor anger.
Whether subconsciously or consciously, adult adoptees feel anger towards their birth parents. The parents who couldn’t raise them. Adoptees are angry that they find it difficult to articulate their feelings. Angry that they do not know their truth or identity. It’s more than possible for adoptees to feel positive and negative emotions throughout their journey.
Loved yet Lonely Adult Adoptees
Loved and lonely — the majority of adult adoptees feel or have felt this combination of emotions at some point in their lives. They grew up feeling loved by their adoptive families. Most even felt that they were treated equally to their adoptive parent’s biological children. But, no matter how hard their adoptive parents strive to love them boundlessly, erase their hurt, and offer them the best lives possible as children, feelings of loneliness were formed.
Growing up, many adoptees find it difficult to express the hurt and loss they feel, for fear of upsetting their adoptive parents. While this emotional withholding is unintentional, it creates feelings of isolation. Feelings that often continue into adulthood. Sometimes, love and loneliness go hand in hand. Being loved is wondrous, but it doesn’t prevent loneliness.
Understanding an Adult Adoptee’s Emotions
One of the hardest struggles that adoptees face is being told how to feel. They’re either happy or sad. There’s no in-between. It’s this way of thinking that is incredibly damaging to adoptees.
Adoption Choices of Colorado encourages you to think twice before making assumptions. Understanding an adult adoptee’s emotions will go a long way in helping them feel heard. Just like you, they’re human.
Adoption Choices of Colorado
For more information on adoption please contact Adoption Choices of Colorado. We can be reached via our website or phone 303-670-4401.
Support Adoption Choices
Adoption Choices, Inc. is partnering with Crowdrise, a fundraising website for nonprofits, to help our adoptive parents and birth parents with much needed financial assistance. We understand that expenses keep clients from fulfilling their dreams. Both with birth parents making a plan for adoption, and with adoptive parents growing their family. It is our mission to provide financial assistance through grants and scholarships, awarded annually in November, in honor of National Adoption Month. Funds assist adoptive parents with matching and placements, adoption finalization and helping birth mothers improve their lives through higher education — and much more.
However, we can’t do it alone. Please read up on our programs and donate money where you are able. Your donation will make a huge impact.
About the Author
Patience Bramlett, a University of Southern Mississippi news editorial graduate, is a seasoned and award-winning freelance writer. She is also a passionate reader, whose only wish is to live life without fear of the unknown. Her motivation and inspiration to live her best life stems from the words of John Lennon:
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
This year, she’s officially joining Adoption Choices Inc. as a Content Writer. Fueled by her love of family, she hopes to educate those looking to grow their families through adoption.
When Patience is not exploring Colorado with her husband, she’s drinking coffee, forever figuring out how to tame her hair, growing her library, and trying to break into the publishing career.
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Bibliography
Arias, Jessenia. “Happy Adoptee? You Bet I Am!” Adoption.NET, https://www.adoption.net/a/adoptees/blogs-adoptee/happy-adoptee-you-bet-i-am/465/.
Davenport, Dawn. “Is There Such a Thing as a Happy Adoptee?” Creating a Family, 17 Aug. 2015, https://creatingafamily.org/adoption-category/happy-adoptee/.
Morey, Glenn. “Adult Adoptee Voices Are Changing Adoption Narrative.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 19 Nov. 2018, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/adoption-diaries/201811/adult-adoptee-voices-are-changing-adoption-narrative.
Stephanie joined the Adoption Choices family in 2014 as the Child Placement Supervisor. Her love for adoption began in first grade when she made friends with twins adopted from Vietnam. Her heart grew strong over the years for adopted children and ultimately led her to graduate school where she continued her focus to her dream of working in the adoption field. Stephanie earned a Master of Social Work degree from the University of Denver in 2001. Over the past 15 years, Stephanie has worked as a pregnancy counselor and as an adoptive parent counselor for foster care, international adoption and domestic adoption, writing hundreds of home studies for families, and helping build their forever families. Stephanie is married and has three boys ages 12, 9, and 5. Together with her family she enjoys riding bike, playing games, watching her three sons compete in their various sporting and musical activities and go on vacations.
Christy Ikeler, is our Executive Director and Birth Parent Director. Christy has been with Adoption Choices Team for 18 years, since opening the doors in 2002! Christy has a true passion for what she does and her true love is working with and helping each birth parent. Whether she is up all night on the phone talking with them, taking them to doctors appointments, out for their favorite treat, providing counseling or at the hospital during labor and delivery, Christy is very involved every step of the way. She has a contagious laugh and a spunky personality that our birth moms all can bond with and relate to. As an adoptive parent herself, adoption holds a very special place in her heart and she can relate on every level with both birth parents and adoptive parents. In her free time Christy loves spending time with her daughter, gardening, baking and taking vacations with her family. Christy is an excellent leader for our team at Adoption Choices and is truly one of a kind!! As Executive Director, Christy spends time with the staff, birth parents and adoptive families in order to ensure that the agency is running smoothly. She has placed a huge emphasis on community outreach and programs for birth parents. Christy loves the opportunity to lead the agency into a brighter future.
Ms. Mackenzie has built a successful counseling career over the past 20 years, supporting mothers and families, people of all ages and genders, students, community professionals and fellow clinicians. Liv values a diverse professional focus, including the entrepreneurial life of a sole proprietor, the evaluative process of certifying foster/adoptive homes, the insightful and mindful one-on-one one work with enthusiastic clients, and serving as an advocate for underserved populations. Liv is a Licensed Professional Counselor and holds a BA in Pre-Law and Economics from American University, an MA in Counseling from Adams University and a certificate in Human Resource Management from Villanova University. Away from work you will find Liv spending time in nature, biking to the farmer’s market and adventuring with her family.
Catherine A. Madsen, joined the Adoption Choices family as legal counsel in 2013. Catherine is responsible for providing legal guidance to the Agency, training and updating staff on developments in adoption law and legislation, and program development. Catherine
Virginia Frank is an adoption attorney accredited since 1991 with the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Ms. Frank is a leader in the field of private adoption and has completed over 4,000 adoptions in her career. Ms. Frank has a law degree from Oklahoma City University and a BA in both Political Science and Communications from the University of Oklahoma.
Cassidie has been with Adoption Choices since 2015, she has her bachelors in Interdisciplinary Affairs with concentrations in both Sociology and Business Management. Cassidie has additional training in Victim Advocacy, foster care and has been working in women’s services for over 10 years. Cassidie has always had a heart for adoption and it was her career dream to work in adoption. She started off doing volunteer work for advocacy programs, adoption organizations and worked in High Risk Maternal Fetal Medicine through the University of Colorado Hospital and Children’s Hospital of Colorado. Cassidie is also blessed to have personally experienced an adoption of her own in 2012, completing her family of five! Cassidie loves what she does as a case worker from initial phone calls, meetings, doctor appointments, interaction with the adoptive families to delivery and counseling. Cassidie has a passion for those in need and strives to help make a difference in the lives of the people she meets. She is a firm believer in being kind, compassionate and open minded in all situations. “Unless you’ve walked in their shoes, there’s no place for judgment. A kind word or compliment can go a long way!” The bittersweet moments in adoption reminds Cassidie each and every time, why she loves what she does!