Adoptees are plagued with questions while growing up. Without appropriate answers, many of them feel incomplete. As if the puzzle pieces to their identities are missing.
As an adoptive parent, this is the last thing you want for your child. You’ve daydreamed of his or her future on several occasions, and neither scenario included a life full of inner struggle and doubt. Instead, your child was running steadily to you for hugs, drawing pictures that you hung proudly on the fridge, and grinning up at you in fascination. In your imaginings, your child was happy.
Adoption Choices of Colorado is here to help these moments come to life! We know that you want the best for your child. In order to help you prepare, we did our research and found the top five questions adoptees ask. Having answers to these will be invaluable to your child’s growth.
1. Why was I adopted?
One of the most difficult challenges of parenting an adopted child is answering the why of their adoption story. While adoptive parents begin with the best intentions in mind, they often wander off topic when the conversation begins to move into uncomfortable territory. But it’s best to practice transparency in this situation.
If you don’t know the answer, be honest about that. If you do know, be honest about that, too. Once the truth has been shared, you can expand upon your dialogue with loving and supportive thoughts and suggestions to further your conversation.
You could say: I know piecing your story together can be challenging. But I’m here to support you every step of the way. Together, we can do this. How does that sound to you?
2. Why didn’t my birth parents want me?
Once adoptees understand that they were adopted, they may feel unloved or unwanted by their birth parents. Younger adopted children are comfortable living with broad, general ideas of their birth parents. Adolescents seek the facts — the detailed facts. They want definite information about why and how they came to be placed for adoption.
You may be hesitant to share information that you regard as potentially upsetting or damaging. But gaps or holes in your child’s adoption story can further damage his or her sense of identity. The facts, even if hard ones, are far better serving than the fantasies that your child might feel forced to create when this question is left unanswered.
You could say: I think it’s time to talk more about your birth parents and why they made the decision to place you for adoption. What I’m about to tell you is all that I have been told. I’m going to be completely honest and open. If any of these facts are troubling to you, I’m here to talk it all through.
3. Why do I feel different from everyone else?
Feeling different from peers is the worst curse of adolescence. Nowhere else along the developmental stages of life do people so desperately want to fit in, to be a part of the group, as they do in adolescence. For the child of adoption, however, this stage of life can carry many levels of emotions. Being adopted creates a sense of being different in many ways. Adoptees may be of a different race or cultural background than their family, and may feel different from peers who are being raised in biologically related families.
If your child hasn’t asked this question yet, you may need to bring it up first. Oftentimes, the world is not a wonderful, embracing place, and your child could be suffering silently.
You could say: Are you being treated differently at school? I would really like you to share this with me because I don’t want you to feel alone. We can navigate these waters together.
4. Is it okay to wonder about my birth parents?
Many adoptees experience guilt related to their frequent and intense thoughts and feelings about their birth parents. They think, “I have so many questions about my birth parents, but if I ask my adoptive parents, will they get upset?” Fearing the disapproval of their adoptive parents, adoptees often hide their feelings and struggle alone with their emotional connection to their birth parents and the questions they have about them. But an adoptee’s need to consider the significance of the other set of parents is by no means a reflection of diminishing feelings for his or her adoptive parents.
Initiate conversations about your child’s birth parents, and affirm their importance. By demonstrating that you’re not afraid to talk about your child’s birth parents, you can help diminish his or her feelings of conflicted loyalty.
You could say: I want you to know that it’s more than okay to think about your birth parents. In fact, it’s important that you do! Feel free to ask me anything about them. I’ll always be open and honest with you.
5. Who am I?
The “Who Am I” question is one every parent wants to help their child process. For adoptees, this question takes on extra meaning as they struggle with who they are, and where they came from. Not only must they think about how they are similar and different from their adoptive parents, they must also think about how they are similar and different from their birth parents. Forming this healthy identity is essential.
Give your child the great gift of knowing that it is safe to explore the information he or she longs for by keeping birth parents in your conversation! It’s more than okay, even encouraged, to mention the similarities you notice between your child and his or her birth parents.
You could say: I am so grateful for your birth parents. Without them, you wouldn’t be here. Did you know that you look a lot like your birth father? You also have his laugh. I want you to know that I will always support you and your quest for information. If you want to know more, let me be your partner in seeking out the answers you desire.
Questions Adoptees Ask
These questions are wondered by so many adoptees over their lifetime. It’s a sad and true fact that several undergo identity crisis’s from a lack of information, a lack of answers to their plaguing questions.
Adoption Choices of Colorado has no doubt that you’ll be able to help guide your child. Sometimes, the answers to his or her questions may be straightforward. Other times, not as much. We hope these top five questions adoptees ask will help you start off on the right foot! You can do this.
Adoption Choices of Colorado
For more information on adoption please contact Adoption Choices of Colorado. We can be reached via our website or phone 303-670-4401.
Support Adoption Choices
Adoption Choices, Inc. is partnering with Crowdrise, a fundraising website for nonprofits, to help our adoptive parents and birth parents with much needed financial assistance. We understand that expenses keep clients from fulfilling their dreams. Both with birth parents making a plan for adoption, and with adoptive parents growing their family. It is our mission to provide financial assistance through grants and scholarships, awarded annually in November, in honor of National Adoption Month. Funds assist adoptive parents with matching and placements, adoption finalization and helping birth mothers improve their lives through higher education — and much more.
However, we can’t do it alone. Please read up on our programs and donate money where you are able. Your donation will make a huge impact.
About the Author
Patience Bramlett, a University of Southern Mississippi news editorial graduate, is a seasoned and award-winning freelance writer. She is also a passionate reader, whose only wish is to live life without fear of the unknown. Her motivation and inspiration to live her best life stems from the words of John Lennon:
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
This year, she’s joining Adoption Choices Inc. as an Editorial Intern. Fueled by her love of family, she hopes to educate those looking to grow their families through adoption.
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Bibliography
“15 Questions Adopted Children Ask.” IMom, 2013, https://www.imom.com/15-questions-adopted-children-ask/#.XX_tnZNKh0I.
“Answering the Tough Questions: How Birth Mothers Respond to Adoptees.” Adoptions Together, 10 Jan. 2018, https://www.adoptionstogether.org/blog/2018/01/10/what-happens-when-they-start-asking-questions/.
“Questions Adopted Children Might Ask.” Questions Adopted Children Might Ask, 29 Nov. 2018, https://fosterandadopt.jfs.ohio.gov/wps/portal/gov/ofc/adoption/for-current-adoptive-parents/questions-adopted-children-might-ask.
Stephanie joined the Adoption Choices family in 2014 as the Child Placement Supervisor. Her love for adoption began in first grade when she made friends with twins adopted from Vietnam. Her heart grew strong over the years for adopted children and ultimately led her to graduate school where she continued her focus to her dream of working in the adoption field. Stephanie earned a Master of Social Work degree from the University of Denver in 2001. Over the past 15 years, Stephanie has worked as a pregnancy counselor and as an adoptive parent counselor for foster care, international adoption and domestic adoption, writing hundreds of home studies for families, and helping build their forever families. Stephanie is married and has three boys ages 12, 9, and 5. Together with her family she enjoys riding bike, playing games, watching her three sons compete in their various sporting and musical activities and go on vacations.
Christy Ikeler, is our Executive Director and Birth Parent Director. Christy has been with Adoption Choices Team for 18 years, since opening the doors in 2002! Christy has a true passion for what she does and her true love is working with and helping each birth parent. Whether she is up all night on the phone talking with them, taking them to doctors appointments, out for their favorite treat, providing counseling or at the hospital during labor and delivery, Christy is very involved every step of the way. She has a contagious laugh and a spunky personality that our birth moms all can bond with and relate to. As an adoptive parent herself, adoption holds a very special place in her heart and she can relate on every level with both birth parents and adoptive parents. In her free time Christy loves spending time with her daughter, gardening, baking and taking vacations with her family. Christy is an excellent leader for our team at Adoption Choices and is truly one of a kind!! As Executive Director, Christy spends time with the staff, birth parents and adoptive families in order to ensure that the agency is running smoothly. She has placed a huge emphasis on community outreach and programs for birth parents. Christy loves the opportunity to lead the agency into a brighter future.
Ms. Mackenzie has built a successful counseling career over the past 20 years, supporting mothers and families, people of all ages and genders, students, community professionals and fellow clinicians. Liv values a diverse professional focus, including the entrepreneurial life of a sole proprietor, the evaluative process of certifying foster/adoptive homes, the insightful and mindful one-on-one one work with enthusiastic clients, and serving as an advocate for underserved populations. Liv is a Licensed Professional Counselor and holds a BA in Pre-Law and Economics from American University, an MA in Counseling from Adams University and a certificate in Human Resource Management from Villanova University. Away from work you will find Liv spending time in nature, biking to the farmer’s market and adventuring with her family.
Catherine A. Madsen, joined the Adoption Choices family as legal counsel in 2013. Catherine is responsible for providing legal guidance to the Agency, training and updating staff on developments in adoption law and legislation, and program development. Catherine
Virginia Frank is an adoption attorney accredited since 1991 with the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Ms. Frank is a leader in the field of private adoption and has completed over 4,000 adoptions in her career. Ms. Frank has a law degree from Oklahoma City University and a BA in both Political Science and Communications from the University of Oklahoma.
Cassidie has been with Adoption Choices since 2015, she has her bachelors in Interdisciplinary Affairs with concentrations in both Sociology and Business Management. Cassidie has additional training in Victim Advocacy, foster care and has been working in women’s services for over 10 years. Cassidie has always had a heart for adoption and it was her career dream to work in adoption. She started off doing volunteer work for advocacy programs, adoption organizations and worked in High Risk Maternal Fetal Medicine through the University of Colorado Hospital and Children’s Hospital of Colorado. Cassidie is also blessed to have personally experienced an adoption of her own in 2012, completing her family of five! Cassidie loves what she does as a case worker from initial phone calls, meetings, doctor appointments, interaction with the adoptive families to delivery and counseling. Cassidie has a passion for those in need and strives to help make a difference in the lives of the people she meets. She is a firm believer in being kind, compassionate and open minded in all situations. “Unless you’ve walked in their shoes, there’s no place for judgment. A kind word or compliment can go a long way!” The bittersweet moments in adoption reminds Cassidie each and every time, why she loves what she does!