The adoptive parents you handpicked for your child are beaming with happiness. You’ve just given them the gift of parenthood, a miracle they’ve striven towards for as long as they can remember. They keep looking at you with gratefulness in their eyes, stealing glances at your face, at the body that just birthed a human life. It’s not that you’re unhappy for them. You’d give anything to voice the positives you feel deep down. But your tongue feels heavy, your throat tight with emotion.
My child is mine no more. The second this thought creeps into your mind, you know your emotional roller coaster is far from being over. You thought giving birth would be the worst of it. In contrast, what’s coming next is competing for first place. Adjusting to life post adoption was always going to be difficult. You knew that. Nevertheless, there’s no way you could have prepared for this grief, this heartfelt pain.
As a birth mother, you remain the most underserved member of the adoption community, with little access to meaningful services post placement. It is not uncommon to feel that, once you leave the hospital, you are left to fend for yourself.
Adoption Choices of Colorado is breaking this barrier! We recognize that placing a child for adoption is one of the most significant, painful, and traumatic life events you can experience. This understanding led us to developing comprehensive, post-placement supports and resources. On top of help from family, we know that you need a place you’re able to feel free to express your deepest loneliness and darkest thoughts. This place of healing can come in the form of support groups and counseling.
Support Groups
Do you have the support of someone who understands what you’re going through? Are you feeling judged by others for placing your child for adoption? Navigating post placement can be difficult. But connecting with others who have walked the same journey as you can be an incredible place to start healing. Birth mother support groups provide a safe place to meet other women who have placed a child for adoption and feel similar to you. Of course, no two birth mothers are alike. All come from different backgrounds, different life experiences, and often place their children for different reasons. Yet there is a common thread – the love for their children and the loss and pain that comes with placing them.
Adoption Choices of Colorado has partnered with Lifetime Healing, a groundbreaking support group. The president, Ashley Mitchell, founded the organization in August 2017 after seeing the great need for birth mother support. Here, you’ll have a space to share your story, hear the stories of other women who made the same decision as you, and know that you’re not alone. While deep emotions are often shared, it is also a place where laughter, community, and spirit lives strong! Most women meet and make friends, and leave with a sense of support and community they may not have had before.
Lifetime Healing’s structure is very unique. Mitchell wrote the nation’s first ever curriculum on post placement care. These trainings and materials present a block of time where women can share their personal journeys and are often encouraged to work through their struggles. It’s a safe space that promotes healing.
Post Placement Counseling
For some birth mothers, support groups will be enough to help them navigate post placement. If that’s not you, don’t be ashamed! Often, when experiencing distressing emotions or situations it is incredibly difficult to find a clear path forward. Friends and family are needed support but for one reason or another are often limited in their ability to help. The counseling relationship is unique in many ways and structured specifically to assist you in creating healthy and positive changes.
You may be asking, “What about my adoption professional?” While the adoption counselor you worked with throughout your pregnancy is still available to you post placement for support and periodic check-ins, he or she is not the same as a post-placement counselor. Counselors are licensed professionals trained in assisting people as they seek to create positive changes in their lives. They are able to help you start the journey of healing through the grief and loss you are experiencing.
There are several misconceptions surrounding what it means to talk to a mental health professional. Oftentimes, the need to talk about your emotions can be seen as weak or shameful, and this stigma is often why people don’t seek help in the first place. But here’s the reality: counseling is an incredibly useful tool that helps with a range of issues. Each session is for you and about you. Don’t be afraid to speak up and ask for what you really want and need.
Helpful Topics of Discussion
You’re feeling a myriad of emotions now that your child’s adoption has been finalized. Several scenarios and future fears are running through your mind all at once. Oftentimes, it’s hard to distinguish your true emotions or even make sense of your thoughts. Here are a few topics that some birth mothers find helpful to talk about either one-on-one or in a group setting:
- Grief – It is often said that a birth mother breaks her own heart in order to give her child things she may not be able to provide at that time. It is a grief born out of love. You can know this and still feel only pain. It’s important to circumnavigate these feelings in order to move forward towards healing.
- Fear of future pregnancies – Part of you can’t wait until the day you’re pregnant again. However, even with time passed, the fear of uncertainty — of being able to handle previous trauma, of knowing you’ll set extremely high and unrealistic expectations — makes it hard to sleep. Don’t be afraid to voice this aloud!
- Guilt – Because placing a child for adoption is a decision, birth mothers often feel guilt for their grief. It is important to know that these feelings are common, but not deserved. You shouldn’t suffer!
You’re Never Alone With Us
Let your body heal post placement. Be gentle with yourself by embracing your new normal, reminding yourself that time is on your side, and never hesitating to reach out for help. Most importantly, don’t forget why you decided to place your child for adoption. As time passes and moments get dark, you may forget the why of it all. Hold onto your reasoning.
Adoption Choices of Colorado is here to help. With our post placement resources, you’ll never feel alone!
Adoption Choices of Colorado
For more information on adoption please contact Adoption Choices of Colorado. We can be reached via our website or phone 303-670-4401.
Support Adoption Choices
Adoption Choices, Inc. is partnering with Crowdrise, a fundraising website for nonprofits, to help our adoptive parents and birth parents with much needed financial assistance. We understand that expenses keep clients from fulfilling their dreams. Both with birth parents making a plan for adoption, and with adoptive parents growing their family. It is our mission to provide financial assistance through grants and scholarships, awarded annually in November, in honor of National Adoption Month. Funds assist adoptive parents with matching and placements, adoption finalization and helping birth mothers improve their lives through higher education — and much more.
However, we can’t do it alone. Please read up on our programs and donate money where you are able. Your donation will make a huge impact.
About the Author
Patience Bramlett, a University of Southern Mississippi news editorial graduate, is a seasoned and award-winning freelance writer. She is also a passionate reader, whose only wish is to live life without fear of the unknown. Her motivation and inspiration to live her best life stems from the words of John Lennon:
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
This year, she’s joining Adoption Choices Inc. as an Editorial Intern. Fueled by her love of family, she hopes to educate those looking to grow their families through adoption.
When Patience is not exploring Colorado with her husband, she’s drinking coffee, forever figuring out how to tame her hair, growing her library, and trying to break into the publishing career.
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Bibliography
Foote, Alysia. “Post-Placement Survival Guide For Birth Mothers.” Adoption.com, 5 Nov. 2016, adoption.com/post-placement-survival-guide-for-birth-mothers.
“Getting Pregnant after Placing.” Adoption Choices of Arizona, 17 May 2019, www.adoptionchoicesofarizona.org/blog/2019/05/getting-pregnant-after-placing/.
Leksander, Susan, et al. “What Is Life Like for Birth Mothers After Placement?” Catholic Charities of Eastern Oklahoma, 24 Oct. 2018, cceok.org/news/what-life-birth-mothers-after-placement.
Stephanie joined the Adoption Choices family in 2014 as the Child Placement Supervisor. Her love for adoption began in first grade when she made friends with twins adopted from Vietnam. Her heart grew strong over the years for adopted children and ultimately led her to graduate school where she continued her focus to her dream of working in the adoption field. Stephanie earned a Master of Social Work degree from the University of Denver in 2001. Over the past 15 years, Stephanie has worked as a pregnancy counselor and as an adoptive parent counselor for foster care, international adoption and domestic adoption, writing hundreds of home studies for families, and helping build their forever families. Stephanie is married and has three boys ages 12, 9, and 5. Together with her family she enjoys riding bike, playing games, watching her three sons compete in their various sporting and musical activities and go on vacations.
Christy Ikeler, is our Executive Director and Birth Parent Director. Christy has been with Adoption Choices Team for 18 years, since opening the doors in 2002! Christy has a true passion for what she does and her true love is working with and helping each birth parent. Whether she is up all night on the phone talking with them, taking them to doctors appointments, out for their favorite treat, providing counseling or at the hospital during labor and delivery, Christy is very involved every step of the way. She has a contagious laugh and a spunky personality that our birth moms all can bond with and relate to. As an adoptive parent herself, adoption holds a very special place in her heart and she can relate on every level with both birth parents and adoptive parents. In her free time Christy loves spending time with her daughter, gardening, baking and taking vacations with her family. Christy is an excellent leader for our team at Adoption Choices and is truly one of a kind!! As Executive Director, Christy spends time with the staff, birth parents and adoptive families in order to ensure that the agency is running smoothly. She has placed a huge emphasis on community outreach and programs for birth parents. Christy loves the opportunity to lead the agency into a brighter future.
Ms. Mackenzie has built a successful counseling career over the past 20 years, supporting mothers and families, people of all ages and genders, students, community professionals and fellow clinicians. Liv values a diverse professional focus, including the entrepreneurial life of a sole proprietor, the evaluative process of certifying foster/adoptive homes, the insightful and mindful one-on-one one work with enthusiastic clients, and serving as an advocate for underserved populations. Liv is a Licensed Professional Counselor and holds a BA in Pre-Law and Economics from American University, an MA in Counseling from Adams University and a certificate in Human Resource Management from Villanova University. Away from work you will find Liv spending time in nature, biking to the farmer’s market and adventuring with her family.
Catherine A. Madsen, joined the Adoption Choices family as legal counsel in 2013. Catherine is responsible for providing legal guidance to the Agency, training and updating staff on developments in adoption law and legislation, and program development. Catherine
Virginia Frank is an adoption attorney accredited since 1991 with the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Ms. Frank is a leader in the field of private adoption and has completed over 4,000 adoptions in her career. Ms. Frank has a law degree from Oklahoma City University and a BA in both Political Science and Communications from the University of Oklahoma.
Cassidie has been with Adoption Choices since 2015, she has her bachelors in Interdisciplinary Affairs with concentrations in both Sociology and Business Management. Cassidie has additional training in Victim Advocacy, foster care and has been working in women’s services for over 10 years. Cassidie has always had a heart for adoption and it was her career dream to work in adoption. She started off doing volunteer work for advocacy programs, adoption organizations and worked in High Risk Maternal Fetal Medicine through the University of Colorado Hospital and Children’s Hospital of Colorado. Cassidie is also blessed to have personally experienced an adoption of her own in 2012, completing her family of five! Cassidie loves what she does as a case worker from initial phone calls, meetings, doctor appointments, interaction with the adoptive families to delivery and counseling. Cassidie has a passion for those in need and strives to help make a difference in the lives of the people she meets. She is a firm believer in being kind, compassionate and open minded in all situations. “Unless you’ve walked in their shoes, there’s no place for judgment. A kind word or compliment can go a long way!” The bittersweet moments in adoption reminds Cassidie each and every time, why she loves what she does!