Language is powerful. It’s the vehicle you use on a daily basis to communicate your ideas and notions about the world. Even when you aren’t consciously trying to do so, your word choice reveals a lot about who you are and what you think, feel, and value.
That’s why, when talking about adoption, it’s important to use positive adoption language. Your words matter. Adoption can be an emotion-driven topic, and sometimes individuals fail to realize that word choice in certain contexts can convey unintended negative messages. Phrases like “given up for adoption” and “real parents” are used too often and have damaging effects on how others perceive adoption, as well as how members of the adoption community view themselves.
Adoption Choices of Colorado is here to help! We know that you mean well. Language is a powerful force, and making small changes to it when discussing adoption can have a profound effect. Here are four phrases to avoid, as well as some suggestions on positive adoption language.
1. Avoid – “given up for adoption”
People tend to use the phrase “give up” when referring to bad things or destructive habits. Case in point, “Harry gave up drinking/gambling/smoking.” For obvious reasons, you shouldn’t categorize an adoptee by using this same terminology. The phrase also suggests a careless action, and deciding to place a child for adoption is anything but. Birth parents undergo an intense and emotional experience when making this choice. They take great care in selecting adoptive parents and display remarkable strength in moving forward with their adoption plan.
Alternatively, use the phrase “placed for adoption.”
2. Avoid – “real parent”
Using the words “real” or “natural” can be hurtful not only to adoptive parents but also to adoptees. They imply that an adoptee’s adoptive parents are somehow “fake” or “unnatural.” The truth is that adoptive parents are “real” parents, just as birth parents are “real” in their roles as well. These terms also imply that, because they are not blood-related, the relationships in an adoptive family are not as strong or lasting as relationships by birth.
Consider using the phrase “birth parent” or “biological parent” instead.
3. Avoid – “adopted child”
By using the adjective “adopted” when referring to an adoptee, you’re implying that this person’s position within their family requires a qualification. Adoptees should not be subject to classification. It sends the message that there is a different value placed on adoptees because they don’t share a biological connection to their parents, which can impact their identity formation and self-esteem. A person’s adoption is a part of who they are, but it shouldn’t be a stipulation.
It’s positive adoption language to use these phrases: “child,” “son” or “daughter,” and “family member.”
4. Avoid – “You’re adopted child is lucky to have you.”
Adoptive parents aren’t heroes. And by most accounts, a child removed from his or her biological family is not “lucky.” Being separated from biological family members can actually be quite traumatizing for adoptees. Saying a child is lucky to have his adoptive parents may also imply he’s not lucky to have his biological family, and in many situations, particularly open adoptions, that’s simply not the case.
Rather, try saying, “You guys are great parents!”
Using Positive Adoption Language
Words don’t just convey facts; they also evoke feelings. The way you talk and the words you choose say a lot about what you think and value. When you use positive adoption language, you say that adoption is a way to build a family — just as birth is. Both are important, and neither is more important than the other.
Adoption Choices of Colorado
For more information on adoption please contact Adoption Choices of Colorado. We can be reached via our website or phone 303-670-4401.
Support Adoption Choices
Adoption Choices, Inc. is partnering with Crowdrise, a fundraising website for nonprofits, to help our adoptive parents and birth parents with much needed financial assistance. We understand that expenses keep clients from fulfilling their dreams. Both with birth parents making a plan for adoption, and with adoptive parents growing their family. It is our mission to provide financial assistance through grants and scholarships, awarded annually in November, in honor of National Adoption Month. Funds assist adoptive parents with matching and placements, adoption finalization and helping birth mothers improve their lives through higher education — and much more.
However, we can’t do it alone. Please read up on our programs and donate money where you are able. Your donation will make a huge impact.
About the Author
Patience Bramlett, a University of Southern Mississippi news editorial graduate, is a seasoned and award-winning freelance writer. She is also a passionate reader, whose only wish is to live life without fear of the unknown. Her motivation and inspiration to live her best life stems from the words of John Lennon:
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
This year, she’s officially joining Adoption Choices Inc. as a Content Writer. Fueled by her love of family, she hopes to educate those looking to grow their families through adoption.
When Patience is not exploring Colorado with her husband, she’s drinking coffee, forever figuring out how to tame her hair, growing her library, and trying to break into the publishing career.
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Bibliography
Gochnauer, Christina. “3 Reasons Adoption Positive Language Is Important – Adoption Magazine.” Adoption Magazine | Article, Adoptive Families, Parenting, Adoption Magazine | Article, Adoptive Families, Parenting, 6 Oct. 2018, https://adoptionmagazine.com/adoption-positive-language/.
McNaughton, Jessie. “The Importance of Positive Adoption Language.” The Importance of Positive Adoption Language, 5 Jan. 2016, http://www.adoptfamilyconnections.org/blog/the-importance-of-positive-adoption-language.
Rosenhaus, Nancy. “Positive vs. Negative Adoption Language.” Adoptions With Love, 25 May 2017, https://adoptionswithlove.org/uncategorized/adoption-language.
Stephanie joined the Adoption Choices family in 2014 as the Child Placement Supervisor. Her love for adoption began in first grade when she made friends with twins adopted from Vietnam. Her heart grew strong over the years for adopted children and ultimately led her to graduate school where she continued her focus to her dream of working in the adoption field. Stephanie earned a Master of Social Work degree from the University of Denver in 2001. Over the past 15 years, Stephanie has worked as a pregnancy counselor and as an adoptive parent counselor for foster care, international adoption and domestic adoption, writing hundreds of home studies for families, and helping build their forever families. Stephanie is married and has three boys ages 12, 9, and 5. Together with her family she enjoys riding bike, playing games, watching her three sons compete in their various sporting and musical activities and go on vacations.
Christy Ikeler, is our Executive Director and Birth Parent Director. Christy has been with Adoption Choices Team for 18 years, since opening the doors in 2002! Christy has a true passion for what she does and her true love is working with and helping each birth parent. Whether she is up all night on the phone talking with them, taking them to doctors appointments, out for their favorite treat, providing counseling or at the hospital during labor and delivery, Christy is very involved every step of the way. She has a contagious laugh and a spunky personality that our birth moms all can bond with and relate to. As an adoptive parent herself, adoption holds a very special place in her heart and she can relate on every level with both birth parents and adoptive parents. In her free time Christy loves spending time with her daughter, gardening, baking and taking vacations with her family. Christy is an excellent leader for our team at Adoption Choices and is truly one of a kind!! As Executive Director, Christy spends time with the staff, birth parents and adoptive families in order to ensure that the agency is running smoothly. She has placed a huge emphasis on community outreach and programs for birth parents. Christy loves the opportunity to lead the agency into a brighter future.
Ms. Mackenzie has built a successful counseling career over the past 20 years, supporting mothers and families, people of all ages and genders, students, community professionals and fellow clinicians. Liv values a diverse professional focus, including the entrepreneurial life of a sole proprietor, the evaluative process of certifying foster/adoptive homes, the insightful and mindful one-on-one one work with enthusiastic clients, and serving as an advocate for underserved populations. Liv is a Licensed Professional Counselor and holds a BA in Pre-Law and Economics from American University, an MA in Counseling from Adams University and a certificate in Human Resource Management from Villanova University. Away from work you will find Liv spending time in nature, biking to the farmer’s market and adventuring with her family.
Catherine A. Madsen, joined the Adoption Choices family as legal counsel in 2013. Catherine is responsible for providing legal guidance to the Agency, training and updating staff on developments in adoption law and legislation, and program development. Catherine
Virginia Frank is an adoption attorney accredited since 1991 with the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Ms. Frank is a leader in the field of private adoption and has completed over 4,000 adoptions in her career. Ms. Frank has a law degree from Oklahoma City University and a BA in both Political Science and Communications from the University of Oklahoma.
Cassidie has been with Adoption Choices since 2015, she has her bachelors in Interdisciplinary Affairs with concentrations in both Sociology and Business Management. Cassidie has additional training in Victim Advocacy, foster care and has been working in women’s services for over 10 years. Cassidie has always had a heart for adoption and it was her career dream to work in adoption. She started off doing volunteer work for advocacy programs, adoption organizations and worked in High Risk Maternal Fetal Medicine through the University of Colorado Hospital and Children’s Hospital of Colorado. Cassidie is also blessed to have personally experienced an adoption of her own in 2012, completing her family of five! Cassidie loves what she does as a case worker from initial phone calls, meetings, doctor appointments, interaction with the adoptive families to delivery and counseling. Cassidie has a passion for those in need and strives to help make a difference in the lives of the people she meets. She is a firm believer in being kind, compassionate and open minded in all situations. “Unless you’ve walked in their shoes, there’s no place for judgment. A kind word or compliment can go a long way!” The bittersweet moments in adoption reminds Cassidie each and every time, why she loves what she does!