Quite often, society makes uneducated judgments about adoptees. All adoptees have suffered. Their biological parents don’t love them. Adoptees will struggle with social exclusion for the rest of their lives. The list goes on.
For too long, these stereotypes have been accepted when, in reality, they’re far from the truth. Adoptees are not characters from a made-for-TV movie. They are real people with real families, and there is so much more to them than having been adopted.
Adoption Choices of Colorado wants you to know that, while adoptees know these assumptions to be false, they want to debunk them for you, too. Here are the top 5 myths all adoptees wish you knew!
Myth 1: All adoptees are troubled
Adoptees, as a whole, do not have psychological problems. Like everyone else in the world, they take life as it comes – embracing the good and overcoming the bad. There’s nothing inherently “wrong” with adoptees, although they may be made to feel that way by others who view adoption negatively. Though some adoptees have indeed suffered trauma, children who are adopted are not necessarily destined to become troubled toddlers and teens with attachment disorders. Adoptees are people. Sometimes they wake up grumpy. Sometimes they melt down when they’re tired. Every tear of an adoptee isn’t evidence of trauma. Try not to project the experiences of the few on the many. There are multitudes of adoptees whose lives did not begin with trauma; rather, they began with love.
Myth 2: Adoptees’ birth mothers don’t love them
Your mother gave you away because she didn’t love you. This hurtful declaration is one that many adoptees are unable to escape. Adoptees are not “given up.” A phrase such as this is comparable to tossing out unwanted trash, and adoptees are anything but. Birth mothers agonize over whether or not to place their child for adoption, giving their child more than just a second’s thought. In fact, birth mothers want to raise their children, but they set their desires aside so that their child can be placed in a supportive, stable, and loving environment. Choosing adoption is a strong and selfless choice. Don’t let society and self-criticism skew this beautiful act. One that, in actuality, is full of love and meaningful consideration.
Myth 3: If adoptees search for their biological families, then they don’t really love their adoptive families
Part of knowing who you are is knowing where you came from. For adoptees, their beginning started before they joined their adoptive family. Some deny their desire to search for their biological families for fear of hurting their adoptive parents’ feelings. This is a common theme, even among adoptees who have their adoptive parents’ support. But just because adoptees long for a biological connection doesn’t mean they are trying to replace their adoptive families. This longing is natural. It’s an innate desire to want to know where they get their quirks from, why they look the way they do, etc. Generally, a search for birth family has nothing to do at all with the adoptive family. It has to do with biology, with the desire to know the answer to the question, “Who am I?”
Myth 4: Open adoption is confusing for the adoptee
Contrary to what you may have been told, open adoption isn’t confusing to adoptees. In fact, it helps adoptees feel secure in their identity. An open adoption is one in which children and birth families are in contact, either through meetings or letters and pictures. Openness gives birth and adoptive families an opportunity to develop a relationship that can benefit them and the adopted person. It gives children access to their genetic heritage and can help the child develop a stronger sense of self. It’s also a truthful way of forming family bonds.
A child can never be loved by too many people — but open adoption does not mean co-parenting. A child knows who his or her parent is, and that is the person who is there to offer comfort day in and out. Children have the ability to navigate incredible complexities in relationships, as long as they know they are loved. The world is increasingly full of diverse family arrangements, and children are generally more open to this diversity than the adults in their lives.
Myth 5: Adoptees don’t “fit in” with their families
An adoptee’s status as a family member is not less than his or her biological counterpart, and outsiders should not make them feel otherwise. Parents and children, adopted or not, will always have some struggle. Parenting is hard, and even parents raising biological children wonder where their kids “came from” sometimes. Both biological and adoptive parents can struggle at times in their relationship with their children. Based on personality factors and their own individual backgrounds, many parents find it easier to connect with some children than others. But that isn’t due to any inherent “blood is thicker than water” idea.
What Adoptees Wish You Knew
Adoption Choices of Colorado wants you to know that, while there is so much more, these are the top myths adoptees wish you knew. They’re tired of being boxed in. Whether you’re a member of the adoption community, or you’re someone who’s never had much experience with adoption, learning how to speak about adoption with respect and kindness is a wonderful trait to possess. Like everyone, adoptees bleed when cut, love with and without fear, take offense, shed tears, feel regret, and celebrate when happy. They are individualistic. They are human. They wish you knew.
Adoption Choices of Colorado
For more information on adoption please contact Adoption Choices of Colorado. We can be reached via our website or phone 303-670-4401.
Support Adoption Choices
Adoption Choices, Inc. is partnering with Crowdrise, a fundraising website for nonprofits, to help our adoptive parents and birth parents with much needed financial assistance. We understand that expenses keep clients from fulfilling their dreams. Both with birth parents making a plan for adoption, and with adoptive parents growing their family. It is our mission to provide financial assistance through grants and scholarships, awarded annually in November, in honor of National Adoption Month. Funds assist adoptive parents with matching and placements, adoption finalization and helping birth mothers improve their lives through higher education — and much more.
However, we can’t do it alone. Please read up on our programs and donate money where you are able. Your donation will make a huge impact.
About the Author
Patience Bramlett, a University of Southern Mississippi news editorial graduate, is a seasoned and award-winning freelance writer. She is also a passionate reader, whose only wish is to live life without fear of the unknown. Her motivation and inspiration to live her best life stems from the words of John Lennon:
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
This year, she’s joining Adoption Choices Inc. as an Editorial Intern. Fueled by her love of family, she hopes to educate those looking to grow their families through adoption.
When Patience is not exploring Colorado with her husband, she’s drinking coffee, forever figuring out how to tame her hair, growing her library, and trying to break into the publishing career.
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Bibliography
“Adoption Myth 4: If Adoptees Loved Their Family, They Wouldn’t Be Searching.” Graceful Adoptions, 30 Dec. 2015, https://gracefuladoptions.com/adoption-myth-4-if-adoptees-loved-their-family-they-wouldnt-be-searching/.
Andriola, Tom. “10 Things Adult Adoptees Wish You Knew.” Adoption.com, 22 Feb. 2016, https://adoption.com/10-things-adult-adoptees-wish-you-knew.
Davenport, Dawn. “Myth of the Troubled Adoptee.” Creating a Family, 2 Oct. 2016, https://creatingafamily.org/adoption-category/myth-of-the-troubled-adoptee/.
Stephanie joined the Adoption Choices family in 2014 as the Child Placement Supervisor. Her love for adoption began in first grade when she made friends with twins adopted from Vietnam. Her heart grew strong over the years for adopted children and ultimately led her to graduate school where she continued her focus to her dream of working in the adoption field. Stephanie earned a Master of Social Work degree from the University of Denver in 2001. Over the past 15 years, Stephanie has worked as a pregnancy counselor and as an adoptive parent counselor for foster care, international adoption and domestic adoption, writing hundreds of home studies for families, and helping build their forever families. Stephanie is married and has three boys ages 12, 9, and 5. Together with her family she enjoys riding bike, playing games, watching her three sons compete in their various sporting and musical activities and go on vacations.
Christy Ikeler, is our Executive Director and Birth Parent Director. Christy has been with Adoption Choices Team for 18 years, since opening the doors in 2002! Christy has a true passion for what she does and her true love is working with and helping each birth parent. Whether she is up all night on the phone talking with them, taking them to doctors appointments, out for their favorite treat, providing counseling or at the hospital during labor and delivery, Christy is very involved every step of the way. She has a contagious laugh and a spunky personality that our birth moms all can bond with and relate to. As an adoptive parent herself, adoption holds a very special place in her heart and she can relate on every level with both birth parents and adoptive parents. In her free time Christy loves spending time with her daughter, gardening, baking and taking vacations with her family. Christy is an excellent leader for our team at Adoption Choices and is truly one of a kind!! As Executive Director, Christy spends time with the staff, birth parents and adoptive families in order to ensure that the agency is running smoothly. She has placed a huge emphasis on community outreach and programs for birth parents. Christy loves the opportunity to lead the agency into a brighter future.
Ms. Mackenzie has built a successful counseling career over the past 20 years, supporting mothers and families, people of all ages and genders, students, community professionals and fellow clinicians. Liv values a diverse professional focus, including the entrepreneurial life of a sole proprietor, the evaluative process of certifying foster/adoptive homes, the insightful and mindful one-on-one one work with enthusiastic clients, and serving as an advocate for underserved populations. Liv is a Licensed Professional Counselor and holds a BA in Pre-Law and Economics from American University, an MA in Counseling from Adams University and a certificate in Human Resource Management from Villanova University. Away from work you will find Liv spending time in nature, biking to the farmer’s market and adventuring with her family.
Catherine A. Madsen, joined the Adoption Choices family as legal counsel in 2013. Catherine is responsible for providing legal guidance to the Agency, training and updating staff on developments in adoption law and legislation, and program development. Catherine
Virginia Frank is an adoption attorney accredited since 1991 with the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Ms. Frank is a leader in the field of private adoption and has completed over 4,000 adoptions in her career. Ms. Frank has a law degree from Oklahoma City University and a BA in both Political Science and Communications from the University of Oklahoma.
Cassidie has been with Adoption Choices since 2015, she has her bachelors in Interdisciplinary Affairs with concentrations in both Sociology and Business Management. Cassidie has additional training in Victim Advocacy, foster care and has been working in women’s services for over 10 years. Cassidie has always had a heart for adoption and it was her career dream to work in adoption. She started off doing volunteer work for advocacy programs, adoption organizations and worked in High Risk Maternal Fetal Medicine through the University of Colorado Hospital and Children’s Hospital of Colorado. Cassidie is also blessed to have personally experienced an adoption of her own in 2012, completing her family of five! Cassidie loves what she does as a case worker from initial phone calls, meetings, doctor appointments, interaction with the adoptive families to delivery and counseling. Cassidie has a passion for those in need and strives to help make a difference in the lives of the people she meets. She is a firm believer in being kind, compassionate and open minded in all situations. “Unless you’ve walked in their shoes, there’s no place for judgment. A kind word or compliment can go a long way!” The bittersweet moments in adoption reminds Cassidie each and every time, why she loves what she does!