How to Write a Letter to Your Birth Child
Being able to write a letter to your birth child once you’re ready, or waiting until they are older, is a great way to bond and let them get to know their birth mother. Through open or semi-open adoption, you can do this, if it is agreed upon. Yet, even if you are only allowed to send them a letter every six months or every year, you can make the most of it and tell them so much about you.
You might have questions about writing a letter to your birth child. How do I write a letter to my child? What do I say? What do I tell them? You might want to tell them who you are, be honest with them about what happened, their biological family, maybe even send them a photo or two of you. There is so much you can write to them. So, what are good things to say, and things you want to avoid?
What should I Add in the Letter to My Birth Child?
You probably have so much you want to write in a letter to your birth child. You probably want to tell them everything about you and your life, but how should you go about it?
- Speak from the heart. Tell them everything you want to. Everything you think they should know. Be honest and open. Keep positive about the adoption process and the choice you made. Tell them about how you felt when you first held him or her. Even if you already made your mind up about adoption before they were born, you carried them for nine months and made an emotional bond with them. Tell them all about it and how you feel now. Anything you feel is appropriate — say that.
- Keep it simple. You might want to tell them everything about you and your life, but even if you carried them for nine months and have an emotional bond with them, they know nothing about you. It might be overwhelming for them to read so much information about you at once. Keep it simple and tell them the small stuff, like what your favorite color is and if you have a cute cat. Remember that this is just the first letter and you can send dozens more. The more letters you write to your birth child, the more you can add about yourself and your life in each.
- Your life. Tell them what you do for your career, what your hobbies are. Maybe you two have something in common. You could bond with them on similar hobbies and interests. When he or she is growing up, through your letters, you could tell them stories from when you were their age to get closer to them and have them open up about their life. They might have similar situations happening to them.
- Family history. Tell them all about their grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc. Pets are included in this, too. If you have any, send pictures of you with your parents, sisters and brothers, or any furry family members you may have. They might be curious about your life growing up, and if your life growing up is similar to theirs.
- Include a photo. This is a special little touch that speaks a thousand words. They would love to see a picture of their birth mother, to see what you look like, and where they get their hair color, eyes, and nose from. It would be special to them to have a picture of you. Something to keep them reminded that they have a birth mother who loves them.
What should I Avoid in My Letter to My Birth Child?
There’s a lot that you probably want to add in the letter, but some might not be appropriate or a good idea. Some information might have to wait until they are older and have a million questions, but for the first letter(s), you should avoid most negative information.
- Keep out negativity. Especially about the adoption. You shouldn’t give negative details about the reasons why you placed them up for adoption. Be truthful as to why you chose adoption, but only discuss the positives. You don’t want your birth child to associate you or your letters with negativity.
- Don’t discuss any negativity about the birth father. Whether or not the birth father is in your life, bringing up any negativity about him is not something to add. Keeping your birth child blind to any negative association about their birth father is the best option. However, don’t be afraid to tell them what you know, if they ever do ask you. If the appropriate time arises, tell them what you know, but at the start, negativity should be avoided.
- Don’t apologize for placing your baby up for adoption. It was the best option for you at the time. No matter how much you wish you could have been the parent for them, you’re in your birth child’s life now, and writing letters to your birth child will show him or her that you care about them and love them. Even if you do feel sorry for putting them up for adoption, you shouldn’t mention that. You chose what was best for you and for them. They are being loved and cared for by someone who can parent them, and that’s what’s most important right now.
Keeping in Contact with Your Birth Child through Letters
Being able to make an agreement with the adoptive parents allowing you to be able to keep contact with your birth child through letters could be a great opportunity. Through open and semi-open adoption, you can do this. When choosing what type of adoption is best for you, open or semi-open adoption might be the best option for you, if you want to be able to keep in contact with your birth child and the adoptive family. Here at Adoption Choices of Colorado, we encourage you to explore the best type of adoption for you. We will be with you every step of the way and help you choose the best option for you and your child.
Your letter might not be perfect, and it might take you a few tries to write the best one, but your birth child will appreciate it. Having this ability to connect with them through written letters will allow you to be in their life. It will allow you to both bond with each other and stay in one another’s lives.
If you are facing an unplanned pregnancy and want to learn more about your adoption options, contact Adoption Choices of Colorado by email, phone, or text: Email Us, Text us: 720-371-1099, Call us: 303-670-4673 (HOPE). If you are hoping to adopt, please contact us here.
Meet the Author: Molly Allington is an aspiring author born and raised in Syracuse, New York. When she’s not watching her latest Netflix obsession, you can find her nose deep in a book or in her writing. She has been writing books since she was twelve and is in the process of trying to get her finished books published. Molly has a BA in Creative Writing from Southern New Hampshire University. With her writing, she is hoping to share supportive information and help as many people as possible. Once she starts her own family, she is wanting to adopt.
Stephanie joined the Adoption Choices family in 2014 as the Child Placement Supervisor. Her love for adoption began in first grade when she made friends with twins adopted from Vietnam. Her heart grew strong over the years for adopted children and ultimately led her to graduate school where she continued her focus to her dream of working in the adoption field. Stephanie earned a Master of Social Work degree from the University of Denver in 2001. Over the past 15 years, Stephanie has worked as a pregnancy counselor and as an adoptive parent counselor for foster care, international adoption and domestic adoption, writing hundreds of home studies for families, and helping build their forever families. Stephanie is married and has three boys ages 12, 9, and 5. Together with her family she enjoys riding bike, playing games, watching her three sons compete in their various sporting and musical activities and go on vacations.
Christy Ikeler, is our Executive Director and Birth Parent Director. Christy has been with Adoption Choices Team for 18 years, since opening the doors in 2002! Christy has a true passion for what she does and her true love is working with and helping each birth parent. Whether she is up all night on the phone talking with them, taking them to doctors appointments, out for their favorite treat, providing counseling or at the hospital during labor and delivery, Christy is very involved every step of the way. She has a contagious laugh and a spunky personality that our birth moms all can bond with and relate to. As an adoptive parent herself, adoption holds a very special place in her heart and she can relate on every level with both birth parents and adoptive parents. In her free time Christy loves spending time with her daughter, gardening, baking and taking vacations with her family. Christy is an excellent leader for our team at Adoption Choices and is truly one of a kind!! As Executive Director, Christy spends time with the staff, birth parents and adoptive families in order to ensure that the agency is running smoothly. She has placed a huge emphasis on community outreach and programs for birth parents. Christy loves the opportunity to lead the agency into a brighter future.
Ms. Mackenzie has built a successful counseling career over the past 20 years, supporting mothers and families, people of all ages and genders, students, community professionals and fellow clinicians. Liv values a diverse professional focus, including the entrepreneurial life of a sole proprietor, the evaluative process of certifying foster/adoptive homes, the insightful and mindful one-on-one one work with enthusiastic clients, and serving as an advocate for underserved populations. Liv is a Licensed Professional Counselor and holds a BA in Pre-Law and Economics from American University, an MA in Counseling from Adams University and a certificate in Human Resource Management from Villanova University. Away from work you will find Liv spending time in nature, biking to the farmer’s market and adventuring with her family.
Catherine A. Madsen, joined the Adoption Choices family as legal counsel in 2013. Catherine is responsible for providing legal guidance to the Agency, training and updating staff on developments in adoption law and legislation, and program development. Catherine
Virginia Frank is an adoption attorney accredited since 1991 with the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Ms. Frank is a leader in the field of private adoption and has completed over 4,000 adoptions in her career. Ms. Frank has a law degree from Oklahoma City University and a BA in both Political Science and Communications from the University of Oklahoma.
Cassidie has been with Adoption Choices since 2015, she has her bachelors in Interdisciplinary Affairs with concentrations in both Sociology and Business Management. Cassidie has additional training in Victim Advocacy, foster care and has been working in women’s services for over 10 years. Cassidie has always had a heart for adoption and it was her career dream to work in adoption. She started off doing volunteer work for advocacy programs, adoption organizations and worked in High Risk Maternal Fetal Medicine through the University of Colorado Hospital and Children’s Hospital of Colorado. Cassidie is also blessed to have personally experienced an adoption of her own in 2012, completing her family of five! Cassidie loves what she does as a case worker from initial phone calls, meetings, doctor appointments, interaction with the adoptive families to delivery and counseling. Cassidie has a passion for those in need and strives to help make a difference in the lives of the people she meets. She is a firm believer in being kind, compassionate and open minded in all situations. “Unless you’ve walked in their shoes, there’s no place for judgment. A kind word or compliment can go a long way!” The bittersweet moments in adoption reminds Cassidie each and every time, why she loves what she does!