How to Answer Uncomfortable Questions from the Intended Parents During the Surrogacy Process

When you make the decision to become a surrogate and help another family experience the joy of parenthood, you are making an extremely selfless decision. Surrogates help make many intended parents’ dreams of having children come true — especially when these intended parents often imagined they’d never be able to have children. However, throughout the surrogacy process, there can be some awkward bumps here and there. 

If you are a surrogate who is asked an uncomfortable question that you don’t know how to tackle, it can feel quite strange navigating that situation. However, Adoption and Surrogacy Choices of Colorado is here to outline some of the ways to answer uncomfortable questions from the intended parents

How to Answer Uncomfortable Questions from the Intended Parents

Because intended parents and surrogates occupy different roles in the surrogacy process, it’s normal that misconceptions will occur. This is completely okay! Yet, if you are asked any of these uncomfortable questions, here are some ways to answer them:  

  1. Are you thinking about keeping the baby? 

One misconception that many people may have about surrogacy is believing that the surrogate has the option to keep the baby. But, that is not true. As a surrogate, you clearly understand that the child you carry will go to the intended parents following birth. There is no option for surrogate to “change their mind” and decide they want to keep the baby. 

If you are ever asked this question as a surrogate, one way to answer is to remain level-headed and refer to your surrogacy contract. Remind the intended parents that you are here to help them. Reiterate that you have no interest nor ability to keep the baby. This can greatly help relieve their nervousness about the situation. Understand that the intended parents mean no harm by asking this question, and are simply so excited to have a child that sometimes words come out differently in the moment. 

  1. Will you be staying home from work during the pregnancy? 

Many intended parents are very concerned about the health of their baby. These concerns can be elevated by the fact that they are not the ones carrying their child. As their surrogate, you are making a very selfless decision to undergo another pregnancy. However, this does not mean that you cannot continue to go to work or live your daily life as you typically would.

If any intended parents ask a question about unrealistic standards for you as their surrogate, it’s important to reaffirm that you will adhere to safe pregnancy practices to help ensure their baby is in good health. It’s also important to establish boundaries that exist between your life and theirs, so this could be a good place to discuss what qualifies as overstepping. 

  1. Is monetary compensation your main motivator as a surrogate? 

As a surrogate, you’re aware that your hard work will be rewarded by many things. Perhaps this may include monetary compensation. Yet, that isn’t why you choose to do this. In fact, if you are kind hearted enough to help another family achieve their dreams of having children, chances are that you love children yourself. While monetary compensation can definitely be one motivator as to why you decided to become a surrogate, it can be uncomfortable when intended parents pry or unintentionally assure this was your main reason. 

In a situation like this, a good way to soothe intended parents’ concern is to explain your love for children and how you want other people to be able to experience the same joy you did as a parent. You are not obligated to explain every reason you became a surrogate but emphasizing your reasons may help the intended parents feel that they can better relate to you throughout the surrogacy experience. 

  1. Can we attend doctor’s appointments and delivery with you? 

Some intended parents may be very interested in attending prenatal doctor appointments and their baby’s delivery. It’s only natural for them to want this, to help them feel like they are a part of the full journey. However, this can be somewhat uncomfortable for surrogates who may feel that having the intended parents attend these events could be a bit invasive. 

While there is no right or wrong answer to this question, it’s important for you  and the intended parents to discuss the topic beforehand. If you personally feel comfortable having the intended parents attend these events with you — by all means, go for it! It could be very valuable for them to be able to experience this part of the process that they would not be able to do without you. On the other hand, it’s also entirely valid if you would prefer to have your own privacy during these intimate appointments and delivery as well. The most important thing to do is simply communicate about your expectations and what it is that you’re comfortable with.  

Interested in Becoming a Surrogate

If you are a woman who is interested in becoming a surrogate or are a surrogate looking to be matched with intended parents, please reach out to us at Adoption and Surrogacy Choices of Colorado. We have resources to support both surrogates and intended parents and are here to help ensure a smooth surrogacy process along the way. Please feel free to reach out to us for more information or with any questions that you may have. 

If you are interested in surrogacy and want to learn more about your options, contact Adoption and Surrogacy Choices of Colorado by email, phone, or text: Email Us, Text us: 720-371-1099, Call us: 303-670-4673 (HOPE). If you are hoping to adopt, please contact us here.

Meet the Author: Ashley Nies is an undergraduate student at Stanford University who is studying Human Biology and Political Science. Ashley is largely interested in various aspects of health and healthcare, and writes about these topics. She has taken classes on rhetoric, ethics and social media in health, as well as other creative writing classes during her freshman year at Stanford. 

Ashley is from Las Vegas, Nevada, and considers herself to be fun-loving and adventurous. She values the importance of combining STEM with liberal arts education and hopes to integrate these in her writing. 

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