Five Myths about Birth Mothers
Birth mothers are a unique and amazing group of women. There isn’t a specific way to define them, because they come from many different ways of life. What binds them together, though, is the shared experience in placing a child for adoption.
Unfortunately, this shared experience has made room for untrue judgments surrounding birth mothers and their role in the adoption process. Here are five myths about birth mothers that need to be dismantled immediately.
- Birth mothers place their children for adoption because they don’t love them
This couldn’t be further from the truth. Birth mothers who find themselves navigating an unexpected pregnancy place their children for adoption because they aren’t ready to be mothers. That’s more than fair. If they’re not in position to care for a child with everything that they got, then they shouldn’t be the ones raising them. After all, what does it mean to be a mother? It means to love your child to the best of your ability. That’s what a birth mother does when she places her child with an adoptive family who is more than willing and able to love and parent.
Birth mothers think about their children all the time. For many of them, the aftermath of post placement is a strenuous grieving process. But, above all, they want their child to feel loved and be able to live up to their fullest potential.
- Birth mothers never see their child again after placement
A common myth about birth mothers is that they disappear from their child’s life after he or she is adopted. This is a tired trope and doesn’t reflect the happiness and loving relationships that are often forged between adoptive families.
If a birth mother chooses to have an open or semi-open adoption plan with their child’s adoptive parents, they have the option of maintaining contact and developing a relationship with him or her after the adoption has been finalized. They can be a supportive and loving presence in their child’s life. If the adoptee then has questions later on, where he or she wants to learn more about their birth history, that is something that a birth mother can help them with. For many birth mothers, seeing their child grow up, and knowing that they are safe and loved, can be very healing and reassuring.
- Birth mothers are unstable, teenagers, or struggling with addiction
This is a particularly damaging myth about birth mothers. Birth mothers come from all different ways of life. They are a financially and educationally diverse group. Some birth mothers are unable to care for their child because they are not in a stable place financially. That is true and a valid reason to consider adoption. Adoption Choices of Colorado has resources in place for birth mothers in that situation.
Other birth mothers are not able to care for their child because the care that they have for themselves needs to be the highest priority. That is not a crime. It is important that they recognized that and didn’t attempt to raise a child they couldn’t care for.
Still other birth mothers may be parenting children of their own already. They know the challenges and triumphs that come with it, and they want to place the child with an adoptive family who is equipped to handle that. Reducing them to these stereotypes is demeaning, disrespectful, and unfair. These women deserve to feel validated and celebrated for their strength and life choices.
- Birth mothers have tense relationships with the adoptive family
This is more often than not a false notion. The adoptive family and the birth mother often begin communicating during the early stages of pregnancy. While birth mothers and adoptive parents may struggle with feelings of jealousy and resentment over the adoptee, both entered the adoption process knowing fully what it entails. Birth mothers are also able to learn about who the prospective adoptive families are through profile books that feature letters and pictures. Many adoptive families want to have an open adoption and want to build a relationship with the birth mother. This desire can help facilitate bonds of trust, and possibly friendship. It also helps ensure that their child will be secure in his or her identity. It also doesn’t erase who they are as the adoptive parents. Letters and pictures are traditionally exchanged, and visitation can become normal depending on the will of both parties.
- Birth mothers are alone in their choice of adoption
While you are the driving force behind the decisions that make up the adoption process, you’re never alone in making them. Our adoption agency is able to provide you with an adoption caseworker to help you maneuver through this process. The logistics of everything will be explained, and any questions that you may have will be answered. We want you to be healthy, both mentally and physically, and we will work to ensure that.
It’s important that you make the best decisions possible for the baby and for yourself. If you have doubts in your decisions, we provide a free counseling service for birth mothers and can extend this to your child’s birth father and any immediate family members. Placing your baby for adoption is a tremendous sacrifice that you’re making, so it is important that you unpack all of those tough emotions.
Adoption Choices of Colorado is also partnered with Lifetime Healing, a support group created for birth mothers by birth mothers. Check out the website to see if there is a group that meets in your area. Communicating with other birth mothers can often help the healing process. They know the pain behind your decisions, because they made the same one. Hopefully, this kind of support will help you to help each other.
Birth Mothers are Loving and Courageous Women
A birth mother is a strong woman. A woman who shouldn’t be underestimated or looked down upon. They are mothers, without being parents, and they have done their best for the children that they placed. They deserve our support, our solidarity, and our admiration.
If you are facing an unplanned pregnancy and want to learn more about your adoption options, contact Adoption Choices of Colorado by email, phone, or text: Email Us, Text us: 720-371-1099, Call us: 303-670-4673 (HOPE). If you are hoping to adopt, please contact us here.
Meet the Author: Katherine Burns is a journalism student at Loyola University Maryland with plans to pursue a career in the news and magazine industries. With over three years of experience writing for the Greyhound Newspaper at Loyola, Katherine specializes in Op-eds. However, she has recently branched out to cover a variety of topics, including education and sports journalism. She also has ample experience with travel blogging.
Katherine has conducted a variety of interviews in her time at Loyola and has displayed her stories through differing forms of media. In addition to her studies at Loyola, Katherine spent the fall of 2019 studying communications at the American University of Paris.To learn more about Katherine, be sure to check her out on social media.
Stephanie joined the Adoption Choices family in 2014 as the Child Placement Supervisor. Her love for adoption began in first grade when she made friends with twins adopted from Vietnam. Her heart grew strong over the years for adopted children and ultimately led her to graduate school where she continued her focus to her dream of working in the adoption field. Stephanie earned a Master of Social Work degree from the University of Denver in 2001. Over the past 15 years, Stephanie has worked as a pregnancy counselor and as an adoptive parent counselor for foster care, international adoption and domestic adoption, writing hundreds of home studies for families, and helping build their forever families. Stephanie is married and has three boys ages 12, 9, and 5. Together with her family she enjoys riding bike, playing games, watching her three sons compete in their various sporting and musical activities and go on vacations.
Christy Ikeler, is our Executive Director and Birth Parent Director. Christy has been with Adoption Choices Team for 18 years, since opening the doors in 2002! Christy has a true passion for what she does and her true love is working with and helping each birth parent. Whether she is up all night on the phone talking with them, taking them to doctors appointments, out for their favorite treat, providing counseling or at the hospital during labor and delivery, Christy is very involved every step of the way. She has a contagious laugh and a spunky personality that our birth moms all can bond with and relate to. As an adoptive parent herself, adoption holds a very special place in her heart and she can relate on every level with both birth parents and adoptive parents. In her free time Christy loves spending time with her daughter, gardening, baking and taking vacations with her family. Christy is an excellent leader for our team at Adoption Choices and is truly one of a kind!! As Executive Director, Christy spends time with the staff, birth parents and adoptive families in order to ensure that the agency is running smoothly. She has placed a huge emphasis on community outreach and programs for birth parents. Christy loves the opportunity to lead the agency into a brighter future.
Ms. Mackenzie has built a successful counseling career over the past 20 years, supporting mothers and families, people of all ages and genders, students, community professionals and fellow clinicians. Liv values a diverse professional focus, including the entrepreneurial life of a sole proprietor, the evaluative process of certifying foster/adoptive homes, the insightful and mindful one-on-one one work with enthusiastic clients, and serving as an advocate for underserved populations. Liv is a Licensed Professional Counselor and holds a BA in Pre-Law and Economics from American University, an MA in Counseling from Adams University and a certificate in Human Resource Management from Villanova University. Away from work you will find Liv spending time in nature, biking to the farmer’s market and adventuring with her family.
Catherine A. Madsen, joined the Adoption Choices family as legal counsel in 2013. Catherine is responsible for providing legal guidance to the Agency, training and updating staff on developments in adoption law and legislation, and program development. Catherine
Virginia Frank is an adoption attorney accredited since 1991 with the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Ms. Frank is a leader in the field of private adoption and has completed over 4,000 adoptions in her career. Ms. Frank has a law degree from Oklahoma City University and a BA in both Political Science and Communications from the University of Oklahoma.
Cassidie has been with Adoption Choices since 2015, she has her bachelors in Interdisciplinary Affairs with concentrations in both Sociology and Business Management. Cassidie has additional training in Victim Advocacy, foster care and has been working in women’s services for over 10 years. Cassidie has always had a heart for adoption and it was her career dream to work in adoption. She started off doing volunteer work for advocacy programs, adoption organizations and worked in High Risk Maternal Fetal Medicine through the University of Colorado Hospital and Children’s Hospital of Colorado. Cassidie is also blessed to have personally experienced an adoption of her own in 2012, completing her family of five! Cassidie loves what she does as a case worker from initial phone calls, meetings, doctor appointments, interaction with the adoptive families to delivery and counseling. Cassidie has a passion for those in need and strives to help make a difference in the lives of the people she meets. She is a firm believer in being kind, compassionate and open minded in all situations. “Unless you’ve walked in their shoes, there’s no place for judgment. A kind word or compliment can go a long way!” The bittersweet moments in adoption reminds Cassidie each and every time, why she loves what she does!