Finding Closure after a Closed Adoption
The attending nurse places your newborn baby in your arms. Even after months of planning, nothing could have prepared you for this moment. You look down into the tiny red face. A lump forms in your throat. Your brain goes into overdrive. You haven’t signed away your parental rights yet. There’s still a chance! But no. You’ve already made your decision, and there’s an adoptive family waiting to give your child the life you are unable to.
After a few moments, you carefully slide the baby back into the nurse’s arms. You watch as she disappears from the room. The door clicks shut. You burst into tears.
Even if you know a closed adoption was the right decision for both you and your baby, it’s natural to experience grief over your loss. For birth mothers who choose closed adoption, finding closure post adoption can be harder than you anticipated.
Remember Yourself Why You Chose Closed Adoption
Every birth mother has their reasons for choosing to place their baby for adoption. It’s not uncommon to experience some regrets. Maybe you find yourself asking “what-if” questions or second-guessing your decision. This is also natural. Adoption is a brave and loving choice, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. As a birth mother, you want your child to receive every opportunity in life. Adoption allows your child not only the necessities of life, but also opportunities he or she may not have otherwise had.
If you choose a closed adoption plan for you and your child, remember your reasons for this. Maybe you found the idea of ongoing contact with your child and the adoptive parents post adoption too difficult. Maybe you’re not in a good place in life and you wanted to protect him or her from that. Perhaps it was your occupation. Or, perhaps you just wanted to keep your identity private. Whatever your reasons, you know what they are, and they are valid. Reminding yourself why you chose closed adoption can help you healthfully move through your grief and back into your everyday life.
Remember to Use the Resources Available through Your Adoption Agency
You don’t have to go through this alone. Adoption Choices of Colorado offers post placement support to help you after the adoption has been finalized. You can schedule an appointment with one of our adoption counselors at any time. This can give you a safe, confidential space for you to express your grief and receive tips on how to move through it. Or, you can find another professional counselor who you can meet with regularly. It’s all up to you and what you need.
Our adoption agency in Colorado is also partnered with a birth mother support group called LifeTime Healing. This organization was founded by a birth mother herself, Ashley Mitchell, who felt the need to give other birth mothers a place to come and get the support they need. What’s more, all birth mothers are welcome. Whether you’ve placed years in the past of just recently, you can attend as many of the monthly meetings as you want. Mitchell’s group offers you a safe harbor to share your adoption story and speak with other women who understand what you’re going through.
If you’d like to learn more about post placement counseling or getting involved with a birth support group, be sure to consult with your caseworker. They can help connect you with Mitchell or any other resource you need.
Remember that Finding Closure after a Closed Adoption Takes Time
Healing does not happen overnight. So, try not to pressure or rush yourself through your grieving process. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Practice self-care. Journal. Treat yourself to a spa day. Allow yourself time to rest and recover. Finding closure — especially after a closed adoption — takes time.
When you chose to place your child for adoption, you made a responsible, selfless choice to give your child the best chance for a great life. This, in no way, means that it was easy. We understand that choosing adoption for you and your child can be a heart-wrenching decision to make. That’s why we are here to support you in whatever way we can, and want to encourage you to give yourself the time you need as you ease back into your everyday routine.
What are Ways that You can Find Closure after a Closed Adoption?
Finding closure after a closed adoption might seem like an elusive idea. After all, each birth mother’s adoption story is unique. So, your healing and grieving process will take as long as it needs to — and that’s okay! There is no set standard for when you should be “over it.” In fact, finding closure isn’t about getting over your choice. It’s about learning how to heal and move forward with it.
Know that Adoption Choices of Colorado is here for you, whether you placed your baby for adoption last week or years ago.
That said, what are ways that you can find closure? What are ways that have helped you grieve and heal in the past?
If you are facing an unplanned pregnancy and want to learn more about your adoption options, contact Adoption Choices of Colorado by email, phone, or text: Email Us, Text us: 720-371-1099, Call us: 303-670-4673 (HOPE). If you are hoping to adopt, please contact us here.
Meet the Author: After graduating from University of Michigan with a degree in Education, majoring in English and Social Sciences, Brianne Davis has spent her adult life as an educator; first in the public schools, later through martial arts. Her ability to convey difficult concepts, navigate varied learning styles, and always keep it interesting defined her reputation as an impactful instructor. Many of her early published blogs centered on the goal of helping other instructors effectively teach children for whom learning is a struggle. Once an empty nester, she committed to sitting in traffic less and writing more. With those goals in mind, she, along with her husband and dogs, packed up, sold their family home, and moved to the banks of the Columbia River in Central Washington’s wine country, where the pace of life is slower and the sun shines brighter. Realizing in our modern age, more of us turn to the internet for information than ever before, Brianne, now dedicates her time to educating others through blog writing.
As a life-long information junkie, Brianne enjoys taking deep dives into new topics, then condensing them in an interesting way to convey valuable information in a relatively short amount of space. Once her career, Brazilian jiu jitsu and mixed martial arts remain hobbies, along with boating, reading and traveling.
Stephanie joined the Adoption Choices family in 2014 as the Child Placement Supervisor. Her love for adoption began in first grade when she made friends with twins adopted from Vietnam. Her heart grew strong over the years for adopted children and ultimately led her to graduate school where she continued her focus to her dream of working in the adoption field. Stephanie earned a Master of Social Work degree from the University of Denver in 2001. Over the past 15 years, Stephanie has worked as a pregnancy counselor and as an adoptive parent counselor for foster care, international adoption and domestic adoption, writing hundreds of home studies for families, and helping build their forever families. Stephanie is married and has three boys ages 12, 9, and 5. Together with her family she enjoys riding bike, playing games, watching her three sons compete in their various sporting and musical activities and go on vacations.
Christy Ikeler, is our Executive Director and Birth Parent Director. Christy has been with Adoption Choices Team for 18 years, since opening the doors in 2002! Christy has a true passion for what she does and her true love is working with and helping each birth parent. Whether she is up all night on the phone talking with them, taking them to doctors appointments, out for their favorite treat, providing counseling or at the hospital during labor and delivery, Christy is very involved every step of the way. She has a contagious laugh and a spunky personality that our birth moms all can bond with and relate to. As an adoptive parent herself, adoption holds a very special place in her heart and she can relate on every level with both birth parents and adoptive parents. In her free time Christy loves spending time with her daughter, gardening, baking and taking vacations with her family. Christy is an excellent leader for our team at Adoption Choices and is truly one of a kind!! As Executive Director, Christy spends time with the staff, birth parents and adoptive families in order to ensure that the agency is running smoothly. She has placed a huge emphasis on community outreach and programs for birth parents. Christy loves the opportunity to lead the agency into a brighter future.
Ms. Mackenzie has built a successful counseling career over the past 20 years, supporting mothers and families, people of all ages and genders, students, community professionals and fellow clinicians. Liv values a diverse professional focus, including the entrepreneurial life of a sole proprietor, the evaluative process of certifying foster/adoptive homes, the insightful and mindful one-on-one one work with enthusiastic clients, and serving as an advocate for underserved populations. Liv is a Licensed Professional Counselor and holds a BA in Pre-Law and Economics from American University, an MA in Counseling from Adams University and a certificate in Human Resource Management from Villanova University. Away from work you will find Liv spending time in nature, biking to the farmer’s market and adventuring with her family.
Catherine A. Madsen, joined the Adoption Choices family as legal counsel in 2013. Catherine is responsible for providing legal guidance to the Agency, training and updating staff on developments in adoption law and legislation, and program development. Catherine
Virginia Frank is an adoption attorney accredited since 1991 with the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Ms. Frank is a leader in the field of private adoption and has completed over 4,000 adoptions in her career. Ms. Frank has a law degree from Oklahoma City University and a BA in both Political Science and Communications from the University of Oklahoma.
Cassidie has been with Adoption Choices since 2015, she has her bachelors in Interdisciplinary Affairs with concentrations in both Sociology and Business Management. Cassidie has additional training in Victim Advocacy, foster care and has been working in women’s services for over 10 years. Cassidie has always had a heart for adoption and it was her career dream to work in adoption. She started off doing volunteer work for advocacy programs, adoption organizations and worked in High Risk Maternal Fetal Medicine through the University of Colorado Hospital and Children’s Hospital of Colorado. Cassidie is also blessed to have personally experienced an adoption of her own in 2012, completing her family of five! Cassidie loves what she does as a case worker from initial phone calls, meetings, doctor appointments, interaction with the adoptive families to delivery and counseling. Cassidie has a passion for those in need and strives to help make a difference in the lives of the people she meets. She is a firm believer in being kind, compassionate and open minded in all situations. “Unless you’ve walked in their shoes, there’s no place for judgment. A kind word or compliment can go a long way!” The bittersweet moments in adoption reminds Cassidie each and every time, why she loves what she does!